I’m fascinated by Susan Sontag’s journals (and not just because she was a big ol’ dyke). Her thoughts resonate for writers, er, bloggers decades later: "In the journal [read: blog] I do not just express myself more openly than I could to any person; I create myself...One of the main (social) functions of a journal or diary is precisely to be read furtively by other people." Spoken like a true blogger, a woman ahead of her time.She also said "Nothing prevents me from being a writer except laziness." Susan Sontag, intellectual eminence – lazy? Now I don’t feel quite so guilty about staying home sick two days in a row and barely getting any real work done. And like many a Hollywood writer, she suffered from self-doubt: "With a little ego-building – such as the fait accompli this journal provides – I shall win through to the confidence that I (I) have something to say, that should be said." I think all bloggers (even the avowed narcissists) can relate.
She believed in taking lovers willy-nilly, but she suffered from romance: "Poor little ego, how did you feel today? Not very well, I fear – rather bruised, sore, traumatized. Hot waves of shame, and all that. I never had any illusion that she was in love with me, but I did assume she liked me." Ouch! Veterans of the LA dating scene feel your pain.
She was conflicted about being gay: "My desire to write is connected with my homosexuality. I need the identity as a weapon, to match the weapon that society has against me." One hopes that as she matured intellectually and sexually, she learned to embrace her fierce 'mo self.
She conflated writing with sex: "The orgasm focuses. I lust to write. The coming of the orgasm is not the salvation but, more, the birth of my ego...The only kind of writer I could be is the kind who exposes himself. I write to define myself – an act of self-creation – part of process of becoming – in a dialogue with myself, with writers I admire living and dead, with ideal readers." If only she'd lived long enough to discover the dialogue of the blog.
I am reminded of Twyla Tharp’s fabulous book The Creative Habit, in which she argues that creativity is not so much about the divine spark, but the dogged daily practice of one's work. Once a wonderful poet I gave a reading with, when asked how she coped with the inevitable dull, even blocked periods between flashes of inspiration, said that she believed in two things: the muse and the mule.
One of my favorite ways of preparing for creativity is to play the piano – but I gave up my piano when I moved to this new apartment. Instead I play FreeCell on my computer. Immersion in that mindless game allows for the most extraordinary thought processes.
Now back to writing the outline for my The Closer spec. I don’t like writing outlines, but it must be done. Twyla Tharp talks about the importance of making a plan, then letting it go: "once the shell is in place and you start work on the interior, the scaffolding disappears."
5 comments:
Ever read a book called "Wonder Boys"? It has one of the better descriptions of writers, at least the sickos like me. They call it the "Midnight Disease", kind of an adventure in dissociation and doppleganger-y.
I find myself gravitating to those little black notebooks they have at Barnes and Noble. Overpriced and not very interesting in appearance, I buy them with the best intentions (ala Patricia Highsmith and her "cahiers"). I seldom fill them. Sigh.
p.s.: I tried the name generator link. My Rapper name is Biggie Rhymes Dope Mama Sawyer, and I'm thinking of having it legally changed.
Oddly enough, when I requested my Hillbilly name, it came up: Michelle Sawyer
I appreciate your snappy commentary on Sontag's journals. I became interested in how her journals revealed such doubt at times, even in the most everyday matters (especially for such an impassive, formidable figure). Yet at the same time, her egotism led her on--an egotism that matched the force of any intellectual vision, it seemed.
"Why is writing important? Mainly, out of egotism, I suppose. Because I want to be that persona, a writer, and not because there is something I must say. Yet why not that too? With a little ego-building — such as the fait accompli this journal provides — I shall win through to the confidence that I (I) have something to say, that should be said."
What a muse egotism can be! Why does it receive so little recognition? Why don't writing programs develop special programs to foster it? Egotism combined with near-crippling doubt is a fine recipe for a great writer.
Dear Anonymous,
Show your face, baby.
Said the hillbilly gunslinger,
Michelle
pow pow...
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