It’s time for an intervention.

This self-expression craze is spinning dangerously out of control. Parents are bestowing names upon their defenseless offspring in reckless defiance of the Name Police, aka Down with Insane Monikers (DIM). How else to explain such infractions as Female, Usnavy, Flushette, Pink January, Morronica (Morronica?!) and Larvell?

Oh yes. These are all real names, not urban legends. Speaking of urban legends, there really was an Ima Hogg (but she did NOT have a sister named Ura). And a college friend of mine swore he knew a girl named Smegma Bengwater. Smegma, are you out there?

As a dedicated culture maven, I have observed several trends in modern baby-naming. One popular ploy is to use Real Live Words, Kleverly Disguised: Sincer Lee, Eunik (Unique or Eunuch? Risky!), Pherever, Ideaz’, Silouette, Au’nesty, Ph’Ness, Wispur, and Mizarey (if you think you’re miserable now, kid, just wait till elementary school).

Then there are the names that are Just Plain Kre8tiv: Wahkeenyah-Wastedaka Windblow, Ni'Treasure O'moria, A'Vri-Seanae McKnz, Vyctoryan, and Kwincee.

Some names reveal Too Much Information about the mother’s postnatal state of mind: Acidalia, Amnastie, Mona Pain, Joy Anguish, Naughtia, and Shunasti. (“Meet the twins – she’s Shunasti, but she’s Naughtia.”)

Some lazy parents simply resort to adjectives: Clever, Tuff, Fancy, Righteous, Handsome, Notorious, and Furious. (But please, not all at once!)

Then there are the names that mean just what they say: Lumber, Squirrel, Brick, Soda, and Chalk. Nothing like the direct approach, I guess. Also in this group are Opera, Cicada, Michelob, Nazarene Savage, Summer Jelly, and Texas Casanova.

Again, I remind you that these are ALL REAL NAMES.

And finally, there are the parents for whom Baby Mozart CDs are not enough; no, their kids are destined to have Supernatural Powers: Almighty Rab, Supreme Infinite, Supreme Knowledge, Czarina, Kingdom Heave'n, Eumajesty, and, as evidence that Great Minds Think Alike, YorMajesti (whose sibling, to forestall any unseemly rivalry, is known as Yorhynace).

Difficult as it is to choose a favorite from these gems, I’d have to say that I’m partial to Female – so unambiguous, so breathtaking in its simplicity. So helpful, too, if you have a son named Male – they go together like salt and pepper shakers. If you’re unlucky enough to have a second daughter, you could call her Female Too (Female 2 for short). I also think that Morronica, Lumber, and Michelob trip musically from the tongue when yelled from the porch at the end of the day.

But really, when it comes to my kids, I look forward to hollering “Supreme Infinite! YorMajesti! Get in here and wash these dishes!”