OMG!
Trolling craigslist today for writing gigs, I came across this gem:
NEED AN ONLINE DATING PERSONAL ASSISTANT
Reply to: i'mtoosexy@craigslist.org
Date: 2006-10-30, 5:09AM PST
I'm seeking an individualo to work about 12 hours/wk primarily from home w/ flexible hours at $10/hr to manage my online dating accounts, send out emails, reply to emails, etc. this is steady ongoing work with cash pay.
Perfer mid 20's to 30's man or woman with significant experience dating online. Email us your resume with a brief cover letter describing extent of knowledge of teh various popular dating websites.
Preferred also: College degree
Compensation: $10/hr, Performance-based bonus
Could I be the “individualo” to take on this unique challenge? I mean, this poor guy clearly needs help. Swamped, overwhelmed by so many online dating accounts that he needs to hire me, a total stranger, to manage his social life. (No more dangerous double bookings!) Get paid to email sweet nothings, innuendos and brazen propositions to chicks? (Hell, I know a thing or two about that.) And on a “steady ongoing” basis too. Doesn’t sound like he’s looking for true love, does it?
But what if all this college-educated, vicarious online flirting leads to a Cyrano-esque mistaken-identity crisis? What if the guy (or gal) he hires just happens to fall for that saucy redhead who was lucky enough to get sucked in by one of those multiple ghostwritten profiles? Oops!
But hey, courtship and marriage and fatherhood are so freaking labor-intensive. Maybe our busy Mr. Outsource-My-Love-Life would dig this time-saving way to outsource the whole shebang! At very reasonable rates!
And how ‘bout that “performance-based bonus"? I love that. I guess that’s in case, against all odds, our Lothario ends up actually falling in love – or even tying the knot. Thanks to my – MY – online wooing! The nerve!
Now I'm going to think about other areas of my life that deserve a performance-based bonus.
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A job like that would be dangerous. And tempting.
After writing my obituary on your site the other day, filling out another goddamned survey and hearing from another ex (after three years of no communication), I got to thinking. Hard.
I've had six people in my life tell me that they're in love with me. Six, that I can think of. And each of these six have met up with me later, either accidentally or not, and told me in this very creepy (pardon the word choice, here...I'm tired) way that they still are. In love with me, that is.
Some have married and have kids, even. Some, I don't even think I slept with. Some I didn't even date that long. Like...under six months. Maybe even under three, some of them.
And I just thought of two more. Just now. It's eight, not six.
So I'm wondering, now, if I attract needy psychos who never let go, or am I just too cowardly or insecure to ever let myself be loved. Or something.
In anger, I told my ex "You will love me forever." It felt powerful to say, knowing my relationship history, feeling like some wonderful, wicked queen casting a familiar spell. But it's not a spell. It's a curse. And I'm starting to think it's not a curse for them, but for me.
Do I think I'm not worthy of love?
Nah.
Fuck. I'm just tired.
Happy Thanksgiving :)
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